Monologue #2

Digital StillCamera
FreeImages.com/Johanna Ljungblom.

It seems that I’m losing myself. With each cut and bruise I lose a part of my essence and I get weary with all the blows I throw. I wander around aimlessly like a ship swayed by a relentless storm in the midst of the ocean. I can’t fight off all the challenges and with each battle I sink a little deeper. Every adventure I take upon demands too much from me than I’m prepared to give. I am not weak though I am jaded and dulled.

I wish upon the strength I have and the knowledge I posses. I am convinced I am weak, but I know it to be a lie. My mind is playing tricks on me and demons have tricked my thoughts. My belief is damaged and judgment flawed. I see the rain and expect the flood. I look into the flames of fire and forebode my doom. Though this is the smoke that clouds my foresight leaving me sightless.

So frequently I lurk outside in the dark, afraid to approach the warmth of the campfire and soothe myself in the light. The darkness tears me to bits like a pack of hungry wolves gnawing me bit by bit and my protective swings are too erratic and futile. So often I have tried to jump the barrier of fear and greet the reward of the other side but the hands of dark are all-too-powerful and far-reaching.

Still… I am the agent of darkness, I am the lord of shadows. I fear the light but I curbed the darkness for my servitude. Your bright blades may cut me deep but I rule the night. You indulge in laughter and I collect the scars of war. You enjoy the happiness and I suffer to stay sharp and ready. You revel in optimism and I keep my mind sober, to protect you.

I wonder whether this is the path I have chosen to follow out of convenience or circumstance? Or is this the illusion of fear that holds me locked away, afraid that I will realize who I am and unleash the hell on all? I see you gliding through life while I’m here, in the shadows. I see you smiling, but my face speaks gloom and bitterness. Though… the fighting has dulled my worries and anxieties and now I may be ready to claim what is mine. Some live and some suffer and those who suffer lead.

Perchance, I will meet the brutal gods and kneel before them, competent and ready, to receive the glory and greatness I have fought for so long.

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